The Bone Collectors

There is a movie of this title, minus the last "s", starring Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington. I remember seeing it a few years ago and quickly filing it away as "it was OK." But the title came roaring back to me recently as I have tried to compartmentalize a recent life experience that has left me uncentered. In trying to find a way to express it, the title came to me and seemed to fit. The Bone Collector.

My experience put every cell in my body out of sync, first one way and then a complete 180 to the other. That's a fairly major shift in energy in a matter of days. I have had a difficult time becoming centered again and it's one of those situations where you have to say to yourself, "why does this bother me so much" and "I am bothered that it does bother me so much." Which only means to me that it is truly something that I must address to be able to come back in alignment with "source" (my true me).

I've met a couple of truly wonderful souls who have crossed my path. One I have known for a couple of years, more as an acquaintance. The other, a brief and somewhat intense experience.

In trying to find my way back to center, both of them seem to drift into this compartment in my mind.

Of the former, he is what one would label a Type A. Busy, moving, searching, reaching. Constantly on the go. Checking his Blackberry every 2 minutes to see who and what is there. Pacing, wandering, oblivious. Do you know someone like that? A few months ago, I joined the professional networking site "Linkedin." I'm not much of a social networker, but I thought this would be a good place to land to test my tolerance for these types of sites. Us introverts don't share all that easily. I asked my Type A friend to "link" with me and he quickly, very quickly, accepted. In about 10 seconds.

So I looked at how many people were in his network and it was some 160 plus. One hundred and sixty people he knew well enough to network with? What was I missing? There was a warning on the Linkedin site to only try to connect with people that you really knew. Because the site said that as your connections saw who you knew, they would want to be introduced for potential career or business dealings. And if you really did not know the person that well, how could you accommodate them? Well, that made me really back off sending out random invites to people that I had met, but really did not know me that well and certainly did not know me well enough to recommend my work to others or me to them.

Time marches on. And I see that my Type A friend adds at least 2 people a day to his professional network. OK, I only see this because it comes up as a default when I am on my own page. There he is. Every day. Type A just added so and so as a connection 2 hours ago. Type A just added another connection 5 minutes ago. And I watch with amazement. Linkedin says that most top executives have 29 professional connections. My friend adds 2 a day. Really? How is that possible? I know the business he is in. He can't meet that many people every 6 hours. OK, granted, I am sure that some people are reaching out to him to connect with him. Why? Because they think HE knows everyone and can assist them!

So I decided to test my theory. I picked what I thought would be a random acquaintance to him, because I really did want to network with this person. I asked Type A if he could introduce us. Never heard back from him. Why? Because he is busy? I guess he would be if he meets a new professional to network with every 6 hours. I think it is because he really does not know this person well. OK, you skeptics out there will say, "maybe he just did not want to introduce you to this person." Maybe. But then why would you accept me as a professional that you trust if you would not share my information? Isn't that the purpose of the site?

My theory is that he is a collector. I believe that his goal is to collect as many professional links as possible. It's not about Quality. It's about Quantity. Quantity. As many people as I can stuff into my space. I don't really know half of them, but hey, it sure looks great on the outside. And I need them. Because I do.

He's a bone collector. He collects people.

Am I cynical? Am I jealous? Maybe. But it gives me great pause. What is missing in his life that he needs to collect names? Because at this point, that's about all it can be. Last I looked, he was on his way to almost 200 bones and counting.

We move to the latter soul. This type goes a bit deeper because real emotions can be involved. They are not intentional collectors. But it's what happens when you need to temporarily fill a void or quench a desire.

People need what one would call "drugs" or "highs." It's natural, I guess. There are some souls that are so complete in their oneness with themselves and the Universe that they don't need a drug. Jesus was probably one. Gandhi. Buddha. There are many others. But for those of us who need something, they come in all kinds of packages. Some wrapped to perfection. Some ugly and grotesque. They come in various forms. Solid. Liquid. Transitional. Plants, animals and objects of all forms. Shoes. People. Some highs come via people.

In its raw form, it is simply a void, a lacking, that needs to be filled. It's filling an empty place in the body that must have it for the ego to survive. I have them. We all do. Unless we have reached some place of true nirvana, most of us have a place (or several) that needs to be filled.

This kind of collector is a bit different you see because somewhere along the way they have made a conscious or unconscious choice to turn emotional love down to zero. Not for friends. Not for careers or other passions. But to a place we dare to go. It's that secret place we all want to and mostly can't reveal. Yet we dare to hope it exists, somewhere.

And that elusive abode is pure unconditional acceptance of who we are. And that is hard. Because we all hide in the shadows fearing that someone might actually find out who we "really" are. And then they will take that love away. And unless you have rock hard confidence in yourself, it can throw your compass way off course. As in Tsunami.

I've been there. I've been hurt to the bottom of every cell in my body. I too have turned my love dial off. "It's too much" I would say. "It's just too much. I can't feel this pain again. I don't understand it." But time and well, time, does heal wounds. Or at least puts a big ass band-aid on it.

Some collectors decide to cut off the flow of love to avoid hurt. I can appreciate that. But they still need it deeply. Some choose to skate along the surface of people like a smooth frozen lake. Never knowing what lies beneath. Some break a temporary hole in the ice to dip a toe in and see if it is still the same painful frostbite as before. And some simply want the temporary high of physical passion but hang an emotional vacancy sign on the front door.

But there potentially can be a consequence to someone somewhere. Because what these collectors may not remember is that there is someone else on the other end of their drive-by fill ups. The best experience for them would be someone who wants what they want. Which might be nothing but a temporary rest stop along the highway. Otherwise you might run the risk of scraping some DNA off an unsuspecting passerby.

A very good friend of mine said it best "You are taken down the path of possibility." I cannot think of a better way to phrase it. And yet, if you don't walk down that path with them yourself-if you too stay frozen solid in one place and don't attempt the walk-there you will continue to stand. Maybe forever.

Be careful with peoples' souls. They have entrusted a very special part of themselves to you, even if it is briefly. It could simply be a moment of hope for future prospects and earthly goods. It could be something a bit deeper that you may not recognize or want to forget. Otherwise, your life highway becomes littered with dried up bones that have been tossed casually aside.

The risks and perils of full-on relationships of any nature are fraught with peaks and valleys. But if we don't take that risk, what are we then? Life and love comes with no guarantee. Have the best intentions and remove the barriers. Yes, it can be a treacherous road to walk, but the reward...if you dare to lead with your mind but allow the heart the freedom to roam.

And now I think about my own motivation for writing this. Part purging. Part discovery of my own weaknesses that these experiences have reached a place I was not sure existed anymore. We all need to be healed in one way or another. And I am no different.

And so I wonder. Aren't we all in some way, bone collectors?

I'm just passing by...