I have a friend that is the General Manager of a hotel. He is a great friend and I love him dearly. On an occasional Friday night, he invites me over to the hotel to buy me a drink at the bar and we catch up. As we were chatting, he hit me with a line out of the blue.
He said "Karen, you'd better find somebody." He was referring to a partner or at least someone steady. Ouch. That one hurt. Of course, things usually only hurt when there is a shade of truth to them in your heart and mind. He said "You don't want to be alone as you grow older. People need people and you have so much to give."
He left me to contemplate his words for a few moments as he attended to hotel business. As you can imagine, I wasn't feeling my best as the words punched in my head like a prizefighter. I was stewing over my thoughts and gazing deeply into my now empty cocktail when I heard the words "Is this seat taken?"
I looked up to see this very attractive twenty something and said "No, please have a seat." He was in town on business from Dallas and was by himself. He told me about his job, always on the road and I understood that he wanted someone to talk to. To not be alone one night of the many that I'm certain he is.
Over the last couple of years, I have noticed this very strange phenomenon taking place. It seems the older I get, the younger the man I seem to attract. The funny thing is, I don't believe I could have attracted these men when I was their age. But now, "poof." Some mystical magic wand has appeared from nowhere and there they are. I often have twenty and young thirty somethings handing me their card and saying "call me." Seriously? I always look at them in
stunned silence.
But I was enjoying his company and later we wandered down to a quaint area called Thornton Park. I wanted to show him some places to go when he came back in town. I found a place where I know the younger locals hang out and we quickly found a great seat outside overlooking the sidewalk where the Friday night "show" was taking place. I kept pointing out these beautiful women, much closer to his age. Encouraging him "why don't you go over and introduce yourself to them?" (I saw myself as the wing man). He finally said "why would I be interested in them when I have YOU sitting here?" Talk about a well-timed ego boost. Or, it could have simply been a great line. I really didn't care at that moment.
I most certainly do not consider myself what today many laughingly call "cougars." There is even a TV show called "Cougartown" that was filmed in the city I grew up in! Like it's some wild beast that isn't tame. Or needs to be tamed. Or wants to be tamed? I shiver at the sound of it. I liken it to when you see an older man with some much younger woman. You just wince at the sight of it.
But I think I have figured out why these men are being attracted into my Universe. A) because there really are not that many men my age that are available, so it leaves a gene pool a bit younger than I am comfortable with. And because many men my age want women much younger than me. And B) because I am relaxed about who I am. Here it is baby. Take it or leave it. I have EARNED, quite well thank you, every tiny little wrinkle on my face. And that kind of feeling vibrates way outside the box. I like the way I look. I love people. I try my best to judge no one. And I am completely open to life's possibilities and the adventure's it can bring. That must be radiating something out there.
But I don't want to be Madonna (who is currently dating a 22 year old) or even Demi Moore. Well, I take that back. Maybe Demi Moore.
As I get older, I see my parents. Their love has changed alot over the years. It was a tough beginning. They never had what I would call a classic love-but they stuck with it. They worked through it. They went through some very rough times when they were in their 40's keeping the marriage together. Quite frankly, I was surprised they stayed together. But there were not many duel incomes back then so it was not as easy or practical to walk away. They had to work it out.
Now they are each other's companions and depend on each other for most everything. I have watched my Father evolve from a fairly non-emotional person, to this more caring and gentle soul. My Mom still takes pride in cooking for my Dad every night. She cares for him and he is always by her side when she falls ill. And I think "who will be there for me?"
But I simply won't turn now into a huntress so I can feel some security as I get older. I'm still looking for the deep passion down to my toes. The kind that when I hear his voice, it makes me tingle. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect. There is no such thing. But I won't give up my quest for a deep abiding love to settle because now "I am supposed to" or even because "I have to." I've
had the chances before and I still have them now.
I know the fiery passion will wane. I want to be left with my best friend. I want to be there by his side as we both no longer are attracting 20 somethings. It takes work-of that there is no question.
Right now, I have too many other things in my life to attend to and get settled before I can be the whole person that has something to give back. These current challenges distract me and it's too hard to throw in the "mating dance" to my already complicated life. These aren't the normal every day distractions. These are "long-term" changing choices. Give me a year to pull it back together and adjust to all the things I must that are coming at me like a roaring freight train.
But for now, when that younger man smiles at me-I'll just smile back and take it as a compliment. Because the day will soon come when I wish he still did.
I'm just passing by...
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Mad World
I don't watch American Idol. I must be one of the only humans on earth that doesn't. OK, I watched one of the seasons all the way through to see what all the hysteria was about. I can't even remember which one. That's how much of an impact it left on me. I am out of place when I go out with friends and everyone is talking about "who should have been voted off" and "can you believe that skirt she was wearing? Please!" My parents even watched last season. My parents!
However, there was no escaping the onslaught of the most recent "Idol." It was everywhere.
So out of cat-like curiosity, I tuned in maybe two shows out of announcing the winner. There was some guy who had the "christian" vote (whatever that means. Aren't they voting for the best talent?) and then I guess he got bumped off. But that night, I saw the most amazing being. This, this Rock God, the likes of which don't come around often. This Elvis like Freddy Mercury cross of Roy Orbison. Adam Lambert. I can't remember right now what song he sang that night. But whatever it was, I was mesmerized. Sucked in. Yeah, he got me.
I then wanted to see every song he had sung on the show. So I went to You Tube and was able to find some performances. Wham! There it was. A dream state offering of Mad World. O M G (should I be wearing green nail polish and twisting my blond hair right now?) One of the best cover songs I have ever heard. Performed with the utmost passion and perfection any song could be. That voice. That haunting melody. Those tight black leather pants. But I digress.
I was not that familiar with the song, so I had to look up the original artists. Tears for Fears. I vaguely remember them from the 80's. But then again, I vaguely remember much about the
80's. What a wasted decade.
Then I found the lyrics and was taken aback, because they fit everything that is happening in our world today. Although most of the 80's and 90's were about collecting wealth and keeping up with the neighbors, these lyrics take a haunting turn in our current climate.
Mad World Lyrics
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you ‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very Mad World. Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you ‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very Mad World
Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you ‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very Mad World. Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you ‘Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very Mad World
Mad World
So, I leave you with these observations:
I love Adam Lambert. He should have won. Oh well.
Thank you for restoring my faith that there really are still Rock Legends to come.
Music can still move me in ways that I did not think were still possible.
Lyrics transcend time.
I realize, again, that I have the soul of an artist. Don't try to drag me away from it this time.
And that's OK because...
I'm just passing by...
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Bone Collectors
There is a movie of this title, minus the last "s", starring Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington. I remember seeing it a few years ago and quickly filing it away as "it was OK." But the title came roaring back to me recently as I have tried to compartmentalize a recent life experience that has left me uncentered. In trying to find a way to express it, the title came to me and seemed to fit. The Bone Collector.
My experience put every cell in my body out of sync, first one way and then a complete 180 to the other. That's a fairly major shift in energy in a matter of days. I have had a difficult time becoming centered again and it's one of those situations where you have to say to yourself, "why does this bother me so much" and "I am bothered that it does bother me so much." Which only means to me that it is truly something that I must address to be able to come back in alignment with "source" (my true me).
I've met a couple of truly wonderful souls who have crossed my path. One I have known for a couple of years, more as an acquaintance. The other, a brief and somewhat intense experience.
In trying to find my way back to center, both of them seem to drift into this compartment in my mind.
Of the former, he is what one would label a Type A. Busy, moving, searching, reaching. Constantly on the go. Checking his Blackberry every 2 minutes to see who and what is there. Pacing, wandering, oblivious. Do you know someone like that? A few months ago, I joined the professional networking site "Linkedin." I'm not much of a social networker, but I thought this would be a good place to land to test my tolerance for these types of sites. Us introverts don't share all that easily. I asked my Type A friend to "link" with me and he quickly, very quickly, accepted. In about 10 seconds.
So I looked at how many people were in his network and it was some 160 plus. One hundred and sixty people he knew well enough to network with? What was I missing? There was a warning on the Linkedin site to only try to connect with people that you really knew. Because the site said that as your connections saw who you knew, they would want to be introduced for potential career or business dealings. And if you really did not know the person that well, how could you accommodate them? Well, that made me really back off sending out random invites to people that I had met, but really did not know me that well and certainly did not know me well enough to recommend my work to others or me to them.
Time marches on. And I see that my Type A friend adds at least 2 people a day to his professional network. OK, I only see this because it comes up as a default when I am on my own page. There he is. Every day. Type A just added so and so as a connection 2 hours ago. Type A just added another connection 5 minutes ago. And I watch with amazement. Linkedin says that most top executives have 29 professional connections. My friend adds 2 a day. Really? How is that possible? I know the business he is in. He can't meet that many people every 6 hours. OK, granted, I am sure that some people are reaching out to him to connect with him. Why? Because they think HE knows everyone and can assist them!
So I decided to test my theory. I picked what I thought would be a random acquaintance to him, because I really did want to network with this person. I asked Type A if he could introduce us. Never heard back from him. Why? Because he is busy? I guess he would be if he meets a new professional to network with every 6 hours. I think it is because he really does not know this person well. OK, you skeptics out there will say, "maybe he just did not want to introduce you to this person." Maybe. But then why would you accept me as a professional that you trust if you would not share my information? Isn't that the purpose of the site?
My theory is that he is a collector. I believe that his goal is to collect as many professional links as possible. It's not about Quality. It's about Quantity. Quantity. As many people as I can stuff into my space. I don't really know half of them, but hey, it sure looks great on the outside. And I need them. Because I do.
He's a bone collector. He collects people.
Am I cynical? Am I jealous? Maybe. But it gives me great pause. What is missing in his life that he needs to collect names? Because at this point, that's about all it can be. Last I looked, he was on his way to almost 200 bones and counting.
We move to the latter soul. This type goes a bit deeper because real emotions can be involved. They are not intentional collectors. But it's what happens when you need to temporarily fill a void or quench a desire.
People need what one would call "drugs" or "highs." It's natural, I guess. There are some souls that are so complete in their oneness with themselves and the Universe that they don't need a drug. Jesus was probably one. Gandhi. Buddha. There are many others. But for those of us who need something, they come in all kinds of packages. Some wrapped to perfection. Some ugly and grotesque. They come in various forms. Solid. Liquid. Transitional. Plants, animals and objects of all forms. Shoes. People. Some highs come via people.
In its raw form, it is simply a void, a lacking, that needs to be filled. It's filling an empty place in the body that must have it for the ego to survive. I have them. We all do. Unless we have reached some place of true nirvana, most of us have a place (or several) that needs to be filled.
This kind of collector is a bit different you see because somewhere along the way they have made a conscious or unconscious choice to turn emotional love down to zero. Not for friends. Not for careers or other passions. But to a place we dare to go. It's that secret place we all want to and mostly can't reveal. Yet we dare to hope it exists, somewhere.
And that elusive abode is pure unconditional acceptance of who we are. And that is hard. Because we all hide in the shadows fearing that someone might actually find out who we "really" are. And then they will take that love away. And unless you have rock hard confidence in yourself, it can throw your compass way off course. As in Tsunami.
I've been there. I've been hurt to the bottom of every cell in my body. I too have turned my love dial off. "It's too much" I would say. "It's just too much. I can't feel this pain again. I don't understand it." But time and well, time, does heal wounds. Or at least puts a big ass band-aid on it.
Some collectors decide to cut off the flow of love to avoid hurt. I can appreciate that. But they still need it deeply. Some choose to skate along the surface of people like a smooth frozen lake. Never knowing what lies beneath. Some break a temporary hole in the ice to dip a toe in and see if it is still the same painful frostbite as before. And some simply want the temporary high of physical passion but hang an emotional vacancy sign on the front door.
But there potentially can be a consequence to someone somewhere. Because what these collectors may not remember is that there is someone else on the other end of their drive-by fill ups. The best experience for them would be someone who wants what they want. Which might be nothing but a temporary rest stop along the highway. Otherwise you might run the risk of scraping some DNA off an unsuspecting passerby.
A very good friend of mine said it best "You are taken down the path of possibility." I cannot think of a better way to phrase it. And yet, if you don't walk down that path with them yourself-if you too stay frozen solid in one place and don't attempt the walk-there you will continue to stand. Maybe forever.
Be careful with peoples' souls. They have entrusted a very special part of themselves to you, even if it is briefly. It could simply be a moment of hope for future prospects and earthly goods. It could be something a bit deeper that you may not recognize or want to forget. Otherwise, your life highway becomes littered with dried up bones that have been tossed casually aside.
The risks and perils of full-on relationships of any nature are fraught with peaks and valleys. But if we don't take that risk, what are we then? Life and love comes with no guarantee. Have the best intentions and remove the barriers. Yes, it can be a treacherous road to walk, but the reward...if you dare to lead with your mind but allow the heart the freedom to roam.
And now I think about my own motivation for writing this. Part purging. Part discovery of my own weaknesses that these experiences have reached a place I was not sure existed anymore. We all need to be healed in one way or another. And I am no different.
And so I wonder. Aren't we all in some way, bone collectors?
I'm just passing by...
My experience put every cell in my body out of sync, first one way and then a complete 180 to the other. That's a fairly major shift in energy in a matter of days. I have had a difficult time becoming centered again and it's one of those situations where you have to say to yourself, "why does this bother me so much" and "I am bothered that it does bother me so much." Which only means to me that it is truly something that I must address to be able to come back in alignment with "source" (my true me).
I've met a couple of truly wonderful souls who have crossed my path. One I have known for a couple of years, more as an acquaintance. The other, a brief and somewhat intense experience.
In trying to find my way back to center, both of them seem to drift into this compartment in my mind.
Of the former, he is what one would label a Type A. Busy, moving, searching, reaching. Constantly on the go. Checking his Blackberry every 2 minutes to see who and what is there. Pacing, wandering, oblivious. Do you know someone like that? A few months ago, I joined the professional networking site "Linkedin." I'm not much of a social networker, but I thought this would be a good place to land to test my tolerance for these types of sites. Us introverts don't share all that easily. I asked my Type A friend to "link" with me and he quickly, very quickly, accepted. In about 10 seconds.
So I looked at how many people were in his network and it was some 160 plus. One hundred and sixty people he knew well enough to network with? What was I missing? There was a warning on the Linkedin site to only try to connect with people that you really knew. Because the site said that as your connections saw who you knew, they would want to be introduced for potential career or business dealings. And if you really did not know the person that well, how could you accommodate them? Well, that made me really back off sending out random invites to people that I had met, but really did not know me that well and certainly did not know me well enough to recommend my work to others or me to them.
Time marches on. And I see that my Type A friend adds at least 2 people a day to his professional network. OK, I only see this because it comes up as a default when I am on my own page. There he is. Every day. Type A just added so and so as a connection 2 hours ago. Type A just added another connection 5 minutes ago. And I watch with amazement. Linkedin says that most top executives have 29 professional connections. My friend adds 2 a day. Really? How is that possible? I know the business he is in. He can't meet that many people every 6 hours. OK, granted, I am sure that some people are reaching out to him to connect with him. Why? Because they think HE knows everyone and can assist them!
So I decided to test my theory. I picked what I thought would be a random acquaintance to him, because I really did want to network with this person. I asked Type A if he could introduce us. Never heard back from him. Why? Because he is busy? I guess he would be if he meets a new professional to network with every 6 hours. I think it is because he really does not know this person well. OK, you skeptics out there will say, "maybe he just did not want to introduce you to this person." Maybe. But then why would you accept me as a professional that you trust if you would not share my information? Isn't that the purpose of the site?
My theory is that he is a collector. I believe that his goal is to collect as many professional links as possible. It's not about Quality. It's about Quantity. Quantity. As many people as I can stuff into my space. I don't really know half of them, but hey, it sure looks great on the outside. And I need them. Because I do.
He's a bone collector. He collects people.
Am I cynical? Am I jealous? Maybe. But it gives me great pause. What is missing in his life that he needs to collect names? Because at this point, that's about all it can be. Last I looked, he was on his way to almost 200 bones and counting.
We move to the latter soul. This type goes a bit deeper because real emotions can be involved. They are not intentional collectors. But it's what happens when you need to temporarily fill a void or quench a desire.
People need what one would call "drugs" or "highs." It's natural, I guess. There are some souls that are so complete in their oneness with themselves and the Universe that they don't need a drug. Jesus was probably one. Gandhi. Buddha. There are many others. But for those of us who need something, they come in all kinds of packages. Some wrapped to perfection. Some ugly and grotesque. They come in various forms. Solid. Liquid. Transitional. Plants, animals and objects of all forms. Shoes. People. Some highs come via people.
In its raw form, it is simply a void, a lacking, that needs to be filled. It's filling an empty place in the body that must have it for the ego to survive. I have them. We all do. Unless we have reached some place of true nirvana, most of us have a place (or several) that needs to be filled.
This kind of collector is a bit different you see because somewhere along the way they have made a conscious or unconscious choice to turn emotional love down to zero. Not for friends. Not for careers or other passions. But to a place we dare to go. It's that secret place we all want to and mostly can't reveal. Yet we dare to hope it exists, somewhere.
And that elusive abode is pure unconditional acceptance of who we are. And that is hard. Because we all hide in the shadows fearing that someone might actually find out who we "really" are. And then they will take that love away. And unless you have rock hard confidence in yourself, it can throw your compass way off course. As in Tsunami.
I've been there. I've been hurt to the bottom of every cell in my body. I too have turned my love dial off. "It's too much" I would say. "It's just too much. I can't feel this pain again. I don't understand it." But time and well, time, does heal wounds. Or at least puts a big ass band-aid on it.
Some collectors decide to cut off the flow of love to avoid hurt. I can appreciate that. But they still need it deeply. Some choose to skate along the surface of people like a smooth frozen lake. Never knowing what lies beneath. Some break a temporary hole in the ice to dip a toe in and see if it is still the same painful frostbite as before. And some simply want the temporary high of physical passion but hang an emotional vacancy sign on the front door.
But there potentially can be a consequence to someone somewhere. Because what these collectors may not remember is that there is someone else on the other end of their drive-by fill ups. The best experience for them would be someone who wants what they want. Which might be nothing but a temporary rest stop along the highway. Otherwise you might run the risk of scraping some DNA off an unsuspecting passerby.
A very good friend of mine said it best "You are taken down the path of possibility." I cannot think of a better way to phrase it. And yet, if you don't walk down that path with them yourself-if you too stay frozen solid in one place and don't attempt the walk-there you will continue to stand. Maybe forever.
Be careful with peoples' souls. They have entrusted a very special part of themselves to you, even if it is briefly. It could simply be a moment of hope for future prospects and earthly goods. It could be something a bit deeper that you may not recognize or want to forget. Otherwise, your life highway becomes littered with dried up bones that have been tossed casually aside.
The risks and perils of full-on relationships of any nature are fraught with peaks and valleys. But if we don't take that risk, what are we then? Life and love comes with no guarantee. Have the best intentions and remove the barriers. Yes, it can be a treacherous road to walk, but the reward...if you dare to lead with your mind but allow the heart the freedom to roam.
And now I think about my own motivation for writing this. Part purging. Part discovery of my own weaknesses that these experiences have reached a place I was not sure existed anymore. We all need to be healed in one way or another. And I am no different.
And so I wonder. Aren't we all in some way, bone collectors?
I'm just passing by...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Today, tomorrow and forever
So I recently had this experience and it, at the very least, taught me something. It taught me that I need to write again. Outloud, with all my heart. Why? Because it's good for me. It soothes my soul. It makes me feel. It gives me a release. It connects me with me.
I've been writing all my life. That's what introverts do. They write. And they write. And they write. Because we have to. Because we need to get it out somehow. Because words are important to us. And maybe we hope that someone will read them and understand. Or say, "me too." Or, "I hear you." Because we all need to be heard in one way or another. And because I have a friend that keeps telling me that I should write. So here it is. Although she wants me to write my "humorous" side. Well, I have that in abundance.
But today, on my first so called "blog," I need to say these things. I gave up on this a while ago, but I am one of the rare people who still writes letters and long emails to people. It's a lost art. Very lost. It says "I truly care about YOU. Not my 256 friends on Facebook only. You are so special to me, that I will take my time to honor you." My Mother still writes letters to me. I will miss that when she is gone. It is part of an age that does not exist anymore. Everything is so fast. Everything is about "me." Everything is about instant gratification and living in my moment. Sometimes it does make me wonder. Do people really and truly care about anyone but themselves? I think some do. I think many don't. And I think that that is a natural state of being. This is not unusual. We live in our own lives. "Wherever you go, there you are." You simply can't escape, well, YOU. So how could you not be involved with "you." Writing this is all about "me."
I think sometimes that I am may be a little different than most. I say that because I do feel others pain. I feel their souls. I feel their hurt. I feel their desires. I want to make it better. Not only for them, but for me. Because the best thing that you can ever do for anyone is to fully love and accept them and try to understand their journey. But I must admit that at times it has taken too much of a toll on me.
My Mother said to me "from the moment you were born, I knew that you were this very sensitive soul and I worried about how you would survive this world." She was right. I have had my challenges. I cry hard. I laugh hard. I play hard. I work hard. I love hard. I do it all with such passion that it sometimes (well often times) takes everything that I have to get back to center. It has its advantages though. It has given me this very strong creative side that has been wonderful for my career. It has helped me form some beautiful and lasting friendships.
I always wondered why some people tended to try to "protect" me. Others, who's purpose may not be as pure, sense my vulnerable side and take advantage of it. Emotional vampires. I have been told to "build up my wall. Don't be hurt again." Well, I guess that is one way to live life. But then look at the deep passion that I would miss. Still, I wonder.... Trading passion for sanity. Hmm. Maybe not so bad. I'm certain there is a balance...and I still strive to find it.
But, it is what it is. That is one of my favorite phrases. It is what it currently is. But does not have to be forever "is." You make the choice.
Today, I am thankful that I learned so much. I am grateful for everything that I have. I am grateful for my journey, bumpy roads and all. I am thankful that I have some amazing friends. True friends. Not social networking only friends. I am grateful that I can truly feel. I am grateful that with age, DOES come wisdom. I just have to keep reminding myself that that is a good thing.
And to my friend who wants me to blog my humorous side, this is for her: stay tuned my friend. Stay tuned.
I'm just passing by...
I've been writing all my life. That's what introverts do. They write. And they write. And they write. Because we have to. Because we need to get it out somehow. Because words are important to us. And maybe we hope that someone will read them and understand. Or say, "me too." Or, "I hear you." Because we all need to be heard in one way or another. And because I have a friend that keeps telling me that I should write. So here it is. Although she wants me to write my "humorous" side. Well, I have that in abundance.
But today, on my first so called "blog," I need to say these things. I gave up on this a while ago, but I am one of the rare people who still writes letters and long emails to people. It's a lost art. Very lost. It says "I truly care about YOU. Not my 256 friends on Facebook only. You are so special to me, that I will take my time to honor you." My Mother still writes letters to me. I will miss that when she is gone. It is part of an age that does not exist anymore. Everything is so fast. Everything is about "me." Everything is about instant gratification and living in my moment. Sometimes it does make me wonder. Do people really and truly care about anyone but themselves? I think some do. I think many don't. And I think that that is a natural state of being. This is not unusual. We live in our own lives. "Wherever you go, there you are." You simply can't escape, well, YOU. So how could you not be involved with "you." Writing this is all about "me."
I think sometimes that I am may be a little different than most. I say that because I do feel others pain. I feel their souls. I feel their hurt. I feel their desires. I want to make it better. Not only for them, but for me. Because the best thing that you can ever do for anyone is to fully love and accept them and try to understand their journey. But I must admit that at times it has taken too much of a toll on me.
My Mother said to me "from the moment you were born, I knew that you were this very sensitive soul and I worried about how you would survive this world." She was right. I have had my challenges. I cry hard. I laugh hard. I play hard. I work hard. I love hard. I do it all with such passion that it sometimes (well often times) takes everything that I have to get back to center. It has its advantages though. It has given me this very strong creative side that has been wonderful for my career. It has helped me form some beautiful and lasting friendships.
I always wondered why some people tended to try to "protect" me. Others, who's purpose may not be as pure, sense my vulnerable side and take advantage of it. Emotional vampires. I have been told to "build up my wall. Don't be hurt again." Well, I guess that is one way to live life. But then look at the deep passion that I would miss. Still, I wonder.... Trading passion for sanity. Hmm. Maybe not so bad. I'm certain there is a balance...and I still strive to find it.
But, it is what it is. That is one of my favorite phrases. It is what it currently is. But does not have to be forever "is." You make the choice.
Today, I am thankful that I learned so much. I am grateful for everything that I have. I am grateful for my journey, bumpy roads and all. I am thankful that I have some amazing friends. True friends. Not social networking only friends. I am grateful that I can truly feel. I am grateful that with age, DOES come wisdom. I just have to keep reminding myself that that is a good thing.
And to my friend who wants me to blog my humorous side, this is for her: stay tuned my friend. Stay tuned.
I'm just passing by...
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